i miss my ex

the memoire of tinkerbell if she had no magic

tinkerbell hated being a tinker in her first movie. she thought that being able to control mother nature was a lot cooler i think. it was a real shame she didn’t initially love her talent. if i were a fairy, i’d be a tinker. i break a lot of things. it would be really nice if i knew how to fix them. but one thing me and tinkerbell share is our relentless determination to fix things that are broken too far. only i don’t have pixie dust.

may 28th, 2022 was the last picture i had of her. she faded over the summer. all these underlying problems we had started to surface, and before i even knew it, she was gone. i knew i couldn’t fix what we had, so i dug through my pile of already-broken relationships and tried to fix those too. i never seem to know when to let go because those never worked out either.

i’ve always bullied my friends who text their ex on new years with that corny ass “new year new us?” message. i would think “damn. u desperate huh?” i mean how embarrassing is that for you to even think about texting someone who hasn’t thought of you in ages. only now that i’ve acknowledged our death, i want nothing more but to see if you would give us a try again. would i be embarrassing myself? are you thinking of us too?

i’ve seen other people. but she’s not us. if she were you, i wouldn’t think about you endlessly. i wonder if the people you’ve seen have replaced us. i wonder if they were worth it. i wonder if you hate my guts. i’ve changed these past 2 years. i’ve changed for us. you’ve changed too. maybe the change is good for us?

i swore i’d fix us by christmas, but as the days go by, i’m unsure i can convince you of it. i pray to whatever higher being is up there that i know to leave us alone, but i fear i don’t. i know that i’ll keep trying to fix us until i’ve lost us for good.